This morning I opened a dialogue about our relationship because she had said she missed me and wished we could “hang out” again. I let slip that there were things that bothered me about that.
(To be clear, the reader may recall that we never “hung out” to begin with. We didn’t date. We couldn’t. We sat on one another’s sofas watching movies or rolled around in bed. But never hung out, in what I’d call a traditional sense. We skipped the friendship part.)
In sum, I said that if we were to be friends, we had to be open with one another, and accept constructive criticism. She agreed. And so I told her that she was “absolutely, no question, the most condescending human being I’ve ever met in my entire life.”
Nice, huh?
Second, that very often, when I gave my opinion on this or that, or mentioned some goal I had upcoming, she would laugh in my face. It’s not uncommon. But I said it’s who you are, I’m not gonna try to change it. Just trying to get used to it.
Generally, I said, I just shrug it off and go on with my day. But the result is that it’s very difficult if not impossible to take her seriously, because if I did, I’d get my feelings hurt all the time.
But at the end of the day – why on earth would I want to hang out with someone who clearly thinks I’m inferior and unworthy of a helluva lot of respect, and who laughs not at my jokes, but instead at the overwhelming majority of my decisions and opinions?
And the best part was that I wasn’t even angry.
She is, though.
The whole thing started because, for some reason, she appears desperate for me to meet the FNG. I asked why and she said because eventually a few beers might be appropriate. At that point I clarified that wasn’t much interested in being their third wheel. Also that meeting the FNG was inevitable probably, but not a deal-breaker for me either way. I just don’t care.
What was difficult for her to understand, and where I almost slipped up today – was exactly WHY I don’t care.
So I had to be careful and provide a genuine-looking red herring for her to obsess over. I almost gave myself away.
But at the end of the day, she’s very easily distracted. Flattery is the key. She’ll soon need to be sexually harassed and we’ll be right back to normal again.
NARCISSIST QUOTE OF THE DAY:
If you were dating someone, I'd want to meet her. I'd like some context. I'd like to be able to tease you about her. I'd like to see the new house. I'd like to visit you at the new job. I'd like you to act as if the last two years were about building this us, a relationship that can now be completely public.
There's no reason it shouldn't be. There's nothing to hide, except our past. And there have been moments recently where I could've told N, where I could've told J, where I could've told A, and I haven't. (X thinks we were doing exactly what we were doing, I've found out -- and I looked my best friend in the eyes and lied.)
OBSERVATION: This narcissist simply seems unable to stop lying, even to her closest friends, the FNG and others – even though there is simply no motive to continue to lie. Remember that, readers.
BONUS QUOTE OF THE DAY
I'm more social than you are. I make friends easily. And I give them up that easily, too, when need be. I know that I need lots of different kinds of people around me, that no one person can be everything. I hang out at bars and parks and restaurants and movies and online. I want the input of everyone around me on all of those things.
OBSERVATION: This is a useful description, by the narcissist herself, of her feeding ground and the maintenance of same. But even though she says “input”, that’s not what she means. I gave her an honest opinion and she stormed off to sulk. What she means is “emotional reaction.” Which is doubly fascinating because she got constructive criticism, input from me, on the state of our friendship, which is allegedly valuable to her. And got angry. Why? Because it looked like food, but she couldn’t eat it. It was precisely because I was not angry. That is what frustrated her. If I’d been angry, she’d have been able to feed.
TODAY’S EXPERIMENT
Was with honesty and constructive criticism. Even with the best intentions on your part, the narcissist turns those feelings around, feels assaulted and deceived, makes it about herself and creeps away to pout and likely plot revenge, whether consciously or no.
TODAY’S LESSON
Be yourself. Be honest. Own that. Know how you feel and be able to defend it to your own conscience, before presenting it to the narcissist. In most cases, I expect it best to keep your real opinions to yourself, even when asked. But that's a difficult and disingenuous way to live. If you feel you must be honest and open, be prepared for the consequences.
Because there will be consequences. Every time. The narcissist will trample your opinion, become indignant and walk away. At best. As usual, the reason I’m not hurt at this moment is because I didn’t care when the conversation began, and I certainly don’t care now.
Sean Connery once said: “Always tell the truth. Because if you tell the truth, then it becomes the other person’s problem.”
